The thing about fathers and sons is that the relationship is never easily defined. Relationships that matter are never static but always in a state of flux – changing, reverting, evolving. Always [verb]-ing like an ocean with depths reaching down to the Marina trench and with a history as wide as the Pacific. After all, where does the Pacific really end? Find me a border and tell that to the water.

There’s a picture of me running down a hall – arms open, dirty blond hair flailing (bowl haircut, naturally), and a smile beaming from the 3 year old’s face – and into the arms of my father. There’s another picture, 20 years later, of father and son in the middle of Nanjing – arms around each other after having climbed up a pretty impressive set of stairs on a particularly warm and muggy day in April. I look at the latter picture, pictured above, with great fondness and affection because it reminds me of some of the best lessons I’ve learned from my father.

I lived in China for a little over year starting back in March of 2005. My first month was really tough for me – culture shock, living far away from any friends or family, and learning a difficult language from scratch. I buckled under the pressure and life-changes and hid away in my apartment for much of March. I worried about the “what ifs” – What if I say the wrong phrase? What if I don’t make friends? What if I do poorly in my classes? What if I never learn the language?

To clarify, my fears are rarely about my safety, getting mugged, or becoming lost; indeed, they’re all about just doing a thing in the first place – going outside, getting groceries, meeting new people. After all, it’s easier to stay home, right? At least at home nothing will go wrong. Or I tell myself that I’m not yet ready – my language is not yet perfect, there are more lists to write, more objections to anticipate, etc. I’ll go out or take the chance when I’m ready.

My father is a whirlwind of energy. He is amiable, everyone likes him instantly, he knows enough about everything so as to find a way to talk to anyone from farmer to statesman. He is genuinely curious as to everyone’s story and lacks pretension.

Up until that visit, I always focused entirely on the end result: a guy who’s successful, knowledgeable, and everyone seems to like and remember. I simply assumed – bitterly and enviously, I might add – that he had some natural talent that I had not inherited.

He came to visit, we went to new places, we negotiated with cabbies, we ordered from hole-in-the-wall restaurants where no one spoke any English or Spanish, and we did it all together.

I was in awe.

He doesn’t speak Chinese yet everyone understood him. He didn’t know any of these places but that didn’t slow him down at all. Aside from me, he didn’t know anyone in Nanjing yet by the end it was as if he had befriended half of the cabbies, shopkeepers, pedestrians, and restaurant owners in the city of 7 million.

It was then that I finally understood something that my father had been repeating to me for years before: Felix Culpa, The Blessed and Fortunate Fall.

You learn and live in the doing of it. You will take chances and you will certainly fall and fail and bleed and hurt. But you will learn from those experiences and turn them into blessed mistakes that allow you to grow and become a fuller individual. You will speak poor Chinese and mistake verbs and you will get laughed at, but you will be remembered and most importantly, you will remember. You will never make that mistake again and you will have a story to tell people that will make them laugh and like you for you.

You will avoid pretension because you will remember all the times you fell. You will remember that everyone has a story to tell – a story that matters a great deal to them and you should recognize how important it is that they, be they statesmen or farmers, wish to share it with you. You will always be in a state of constant wonder and amazement and you will rejoice at your mistakes because each and every one will serve to remind you that you are alive and that you still have so much left to learn.

So, on this Father’s Day I wish to let him know how much I love him, how much I appreciate him, and how important he is in my life.

Happy Father’s Day, everyone.